When Daydreaming Becomes a Problem...

I'm going to be honest, I had a breakdown today. And by today, I mean about an hour ago. It's one that's been coming for awhile. The trigger was this: I opted out of going to a women's conference with my church yesterday because we didn't have money to help out with the carpool and, to be quite frank, I was not in the right mood to go. Well, as it turns out, my name was drawn for a $50 date night gift card that ended up going to someone else because I was not present. Of course, right? So, I totally lost it and broke down. Not just about the gift card, but EVERYTHING that I've been bottling up inside over the past several months. Our always messy house, not having enough money for Christmas this year, the death of my dad back in January, not succeeding in my essential oils business, etc. You know what I'm talking out, right?

I hate using the word depressed because it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me and I should be on medication or something. But I have been battling depression-like symptoms for awhile now. No energy, no motivation, overwhelming grief, low self-esteem, you get the picture. And lately I've been thinking that maybe medication wouldn't be such a bad idea, even though I've always been soooo against it.

But then it occurred to me today: Of course I'm depressed! I mean, look at my life. I spend almost every day home alone with a toddler with no transportation or way to get out of the house. My options during the day are: clean, read a book, clean, browse pinterest, clean, watch something on netflix, or clean. That's between changing diapers and playing peek-a-boo of course. Cleaning is no fun, so I usually spend way too much time wasting time. I can't tell you how many hours a week I spend looking at things that ignite a longing in me for something more, something better than what I have.

For example, I recently chopped off all my hair thanks to some inspiration from Once Upon a Time's Mary Margaret Blanchard:

But I am also inspired by her style and her adorable apartment. So I start daydreaming about updating my wardrobe to look more like hers and what I would need to purchase to make that happen (basically brand new everything!) I also daydream about how to incorporate her rustic chic look into my dream house and how that would work and how different it would be from my current home and how much cuter and cleaner and better it would be...

Are you starting to get the idea? I spend all day daydreaming about how life could be so much better, but then I despair because there's no way in my current situation I'm every going to get there! Maybe that's why I never clean. Because even if my house is spotless, it's still never going to be as cute as Mary Margaret's home. It's never going to be as good as the home I've dreamed up in my head.

Now, I'm not saying that you shouldn't donate to my Chip In fund, because some day I'd still like that daydream to become a reality. It's not that unattainable of a dream. But it's not going to happen today. Or tomorrow. Or next month. So why should I waste my todays daydreaming about tomorrow? I'm very blessed to have what I do have. We may not be thriving, but we're surviving and it's certainly more than we had last year at this time.

One year ago, our daughter was one month old. My husband worked part-time in a deli and he made just enough to afford a 350 sq. ft apartment. We didn't have room for a bed, a dining room table or a washer and dryer. Our furniture consisted of a pull-out couch, a dresser, a rocking chair, a small shelf, and a bassinet. We had rude, noisy neighbors on the other side of a paper-thin wall and drug addicts living across the street. It was not an ideal living situation for the three of us.

Now my husband has a full-time job, and although we are still broke, at least we've been able to move into a place that's 3 times the size of our old apartment, we have no adjoining neighbors, we have two bedrooms, a living room, a bathroom and a kitchen, and we have our own washer and dryer. That's a HUGE upgrade. I should be so thankful! But I'm not. At least, I haven't been. I've been too focused on all the things we don't have now to remember all the things we didn't have a year ago.

So in honor of Thanksgiving which is right around the corner, I'm going to start giving thanks every day for all the things we have that my husband works so hard to provide for us. He is truly amazing and I don't give him nearly as much credit as he deserves. And I do still want to work towards our dream of owning our own little house that is everything we've ever wanted. But, in the meantime, I'm going to not only be content with what I have, but take pride in it and take care of my household with a glad heart.

Happy Monday everyone and I hope you all find something to be thankful for this week!